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THE URBAN MAN FOR KCRW, SEPT. 25, 2006

Sharpness of Mind

By Marc Porter Zasada

EVERY DAY in the metropolis, the Urban Man tries to achieve sharpness of mind. You know, not just the ability to manipulate facts and make bold incisive statements, but to talk really fast.

I can attain this state only briefly, an hour or two at a throw, so I have to time the peak just right. That requires a certain combination of caffeine and…clothing. It’s strange: I can be pretty dynamic while wearing a black turtleneck, but not a patterned tie.

Today I’ve donned both a black turtleneck and a black sports jacket because I’ve got an 11 a.m. meeting where I need to produce more than a startling personality, I need to conjure seven intriguing ideas in 20 minutes.

Unfortunately, my meeting is way out in the Valley on a hundred-degree day, and I find myself driving with a broken air conditioner. I forgot about the broken a/c when I wore the turtleneck, and all I can do now is try to get into the whole “open window, loud music, wind-through-my-hair” thing. Still, I wonder if sharpness of mind can only be achieved at temperatures below 72 fahrenheit.

I once read an article that claimed modern industrial society could not function without our massive importation of coffee—but the same might be said of air conditioning. I mean, who could build an effective media empire without serious compressors to cool the gray matter?

In fact, I realize that assuming one intends to stay legal, there are actually three essentials for sharp thinking: air conditioning, snappy attire, and caffeine—and just now none of these seem to be working quite right.

As I get closer, it’s the caffeine that gives me the most worry. I no longer feel any kick from the two chai lattes I had early in the day, and I think: Sure they’ll offer me coffee at the meeting, but what about those first moments when I walk through the door? How will I achieve that first remarkable comment?

I can already see the four-story, black glass box shimmering darkly above the cluttered boulevard. Nevertheless, I call to say I’ll be ten minutes late.

Now, the Urban Man is well-versed in the science of caffeination, and he considers his options with rapid expertise.

Here’s a Starbucks where I could achieve a smooth, sophisticated buzz. But right next door there’s a mini-mart where I could get a cheap coffee with artifical creamer: Sometimes I enjoy that chemical aftertaste. I feel it gives me a kind of streetwise mental gleam.

Still, what about the other options?

Inside the minimart I could instead purchase the glad, sugary nausea of a cold frappuccino. I could achieve the gentle, cheerful euphoria bottled as unsweetened organic green tea. I could get that prickly, headache-inducing charge from a Red Bull energy drink.

Then there’s the slight edge of anxiety I often feel after a couple cans of Diet Coke. Now, anxiety is very similar to sharpness of mind, and it can serve you well in critical 11 a.m. meetings.

So I buy three.

And yes, by the time I leave my car in the underground garage, I can already feel a surge in mental acuity. There’s a wonderful cold snap in the elevator, and my mood lifts as I ride up to the fourth floor. It’s all coming together now: caffeine, air conditioning, black turtleneck.

Indeed, as I enter the arctic chill of the conference room, I note that everyone’s in casual, but well-considered clothing and each eye holds an undeniable glitter. For a half second, I say to myself, “modern industrial society is secure.”

And then the Urban Man opens his mouth and lets the first bright comment of the morning fly out into the room on its rapid, even dazzling wings.